Our first love and heartbreak, these two things go hand in hand, share an ironic, yet intimate bond of love, loss and betrayal only to be repeated time and time again. Bittersweet memories, tender, with the echo of an old heartache to greet the end of every thought.
Each time we fall, we rarely think of how it ends as the start plays out, those heated and compressed butterflies in the chest when we make contact in any way, shape or form. The ecstatic bliss from the first kiss to the inevitable, yet passionate though, somewhat desperate and wishfully never ending first tangle between the sheets, bodies entwined and mouths eager. That wild, passionate sex we only experience as new and exciting lovers.
At the start we are agreeable, we hold back, we don’t speak our minds in fear the other might not like what we say, and for good reason too. To hold back, to suppress your nature is not only lying to yourself, but to your partner too. When we become comfortable, we develop serious feelings and we start to truly be ourselves, to reveal our darkest secrets and our dizziest daydreams, this is when things either crumble, or solidify. Usually about 2 months in. Here’s an example.
I once knew a girl. She was possibly the brightest ray of light since my relationship with my children’s mother broke down.
I was out minding my own business one day, shopping at Woollies, not expecting to have the breath stolen from my chest by a dazzling smile when, exactly that happened.
She was a little shorter than myself, had long, light brownish hair. Tanned, beautifully tattooed legs with a rose to match on the inside of her upper arm. I remember the way she was walking. Kind of bounding along, hair whipping casually as she caught my eye. I was thinking, please turn around again, you’re beautiful. And sure enough, I got a look at her eyes and held them, mustered an award winning smile and got one in return. Needless to say I was thrilled, she bounded off again and I felt the way she was bopping along, in my chest big time.
So after pointing out the girl to my buddy, I notice she had done a couple of laps around the aisle and kept looking each time she passed. I give her another smile and she takes off again so I tell my mate, “look, there she goes again. She’s done like 4 laps of the aisle man.” He tells me to go for the kill. I tell him I’m having a heart attack already, I’ll fucking die man.
So we wind our shopping up, we are just leaving the shop when I look back and see her at the check out. ‘Chances are you’ll never see her again, the fuck you waiting for? What have you got to lose?’ I tell old mate I’ll be back. If not, I’ve had a heart attack coz something’s gone horribly right.
I head to the customer service desk. I request a pen and piece of paper, coz if I panic, I can just throw it at her. Fuck stuttering up a storm and dropping my phone while I have a seizure on the floor.
So with my name and number written down as chicken scratch, I take a deep breath, feel my heart beat harder and walk towards her. She looks a little stunned, perhaps offended, when I blurt out in a single sentence “I-don’t-usually-give-my-number-to-beautiful-women-at-random-in-the-shop-but-wow-Im-panicking-“.
Luckily she understood exactly what I was trying to say, its seems that she was shocked to get my number, but not as shocked as I was when she accepted it with the most radiant smile I have ever seen. God, I had never melted instantly yet been made of concrete at the same time. My heart was racing, my head was light and I’m pretty sure I power walked/ran the fuck out of there.
She ended up messaging me. I almost died for the third time. We hit it off. We hung out, shared incredible laughs, some really bad food and ended up sleeping together.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. As soon as we escaped to the privacy of closed doors, it was on. It was passionate, it was desperate every time and we did it everywhere. She was everything I wanted in a partner. Spontaneous, a little freaky, from what I could tell she liked the risk factor as much as myself and before we knew it, we were inseparable. A few short weeks and I couldn’t help but tell her how incredible she is, and how I feel like I might explode when I’m with her, that I might be falling for her.
She blushes the deepest red I’ve ever seen, along with her smile she looks me in the eye with her soft brown ones and says ‘me too’. My god, I was in heaven, her name was ******, and I knew I wasn’t coming home anytime soon.
She stole my heart nearly a year ago, she broke it not long after. A couple of months after we started dating, we had a discussion. I told her exactly what I want from her, what I want in the future, what I did during my previous relationship, my flaws, how I’ve grown from who I was and how I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again. I told her everything. Everything. It took a lot. I had never confided that in anyone, not even my best friends knew my whole story, they knew little bits and pieces but I had never sat down like this and let it all out, not even with Trev, Tomo, or Levi. So there I was, completely open and raw, in tears and confiding my darkest demons to ******. Every shameful event to my life, every scar, every beating and indiscretion. Things I haven’t told my own mother.
I could see the change in her eyes. I saw disgust, shock, maybe a little sadness. I told her my all and she rejected me. I saw it, she denied it and started avoiding me. A few days later, she broke up with me. I was hurting, I had fallen and opened up, and she had cast me aside.
I still have small attacks when I see her around, the sudden departure of ******, the gradual resentment of my friends by my own self destructive ways, and the loss of my best friends Trev and Levi. To this day, nothing makes me hurt like losing the fresh love I had gained and my best friends. Maybe I fucked up, maybe not. All I know is, I will remember this pain for the rest of my life, and it has put me off finding someone I can truly connect with again.
This isn’t quite a confession of my sins, but its the closest you will get. This is me acknowledging my sins and asking for forgiveness of what I’ve done wrong and the people I’ve hurt. As the title states, It will never be the same, and for that, I’m sorry. I Love all of you and always will.
******, I wish I kept my mouth shut, maybe things would have played out differently. Maybe it was the holes I dug for myself but either way, thank you, you have shaped me as a person, taught me valuable lessons and inspired me to write this piece.
Trev, for any selfishness, disrespect or distrust i may have inflicted, I’m sorry. You were always there for me, every time. Without you to help me get through the Initial loss of Sim, Ash and Llian, I would probably still be a blubbering mess on my floor.
Levi, I’ve spoken to you recently and I’ve said my bit to u directly but the fact remains, I was a prick. I know we will never be the bros we used to be, but I still cherish the memories we made while we were.
And now I get to my final acknowledgement. The weight that weighs heaviest in my heart and burdens me every day since.
Neither of us was perfect. We both fucked up and me more than most. I was selfish, arrogant and rude. I betrayed and hurt you in a way that will always make me sick. I caused your heart to break on more than one occasion, in more ways than one. We both know what I’m talking about, and we both know it will never be forgiven, can never be. I won’t let it and I won’t let you forgive me either. Not yet. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of the family we had, the home we made, the love we shared and the adventure we had. Yes we had good times, and lots of them and that’s what I remember, what I try to remember. I’ll never stop loving you ******, not until I feel like I have some closure. You were the best part of me and I’ll never forget you, nor can I. Not while things are Still so shattered between the 4 of us. I’m truly sorry for the bad decisions we made, but i thank you for our beautiful children. Its more than what some get, but not as much as I want.
And that concludes this personal and raw post, truth that shapes us and the loves I’ve lost. There are still other people I’ll get to, but in due time. After writing this I’m an emotional mess, lamenting every girl I’ve truly loved. And there are only 3 of them. 2 of them are mentioned above. The last one will be a different tale. A poem. Thank you for reading.
Posted from somewhere amongst the tangled interwebs….