Torn between starting to hate the way things ended, and loving the connection we shared before it broke, I can’t put in words that could get close to justifying just how hurt and broken I was after Meagan and I reached the conclusion of our ‘born to fail fiasco’.
I though it would be a long time before I would even consider pursuing another woman and opening up yet again the darkest, most intimate parts of myself, but low and behold I met someone. A beautiful disaster who would steal my heart, and before I could even consider the possibility of our journey going sour, she dropped it.
I spotted an interesting girl who had a shine brighter than any other, i carefully weighed the pros and cons of meeting her, and before I knew it we were chatting like Long lost friends. She was a bright and bubbly spirit, big round eyes flashing while she spoke with vivid animation, she didn’t hold back, she was honest, attentive, and I was speechless.
Have you ever met anyone who completely takes you by surprise? Someone so genuinely interested in what you have to say, it makes your friends look like rude assholes? If there was anything that could complement her story more than who she is as a person, it would be her eyes. She has soul, and heart, its written on her face and dances in her eyes.
After releasing *Muse, last week and promising an update, I’ve decided to get it done now , seeing as I have the time. So here it is. The story inspired by, and loosely based on real people and events.
She breezed into my heart as suddenly and violently as a whirlwind, turning my world upside down when she walked into my home led by a dizzying smile and strolled into my heart. She was beautiful, she was tragic, and to try to use anything less would be an insult. This is the second and for now, the final part of how she inspired and touched me.
I woke up from a sleepy Sunday afternoon nap to see a message from A Beautiful Tragedy, just seeing her name pop up makes me smile, my heart flutter and my breath catch in my chest.
This time instead of the butterflies settling down when I read what’s on her mind, they transform into a swarm of killer bees, turn their stingers towards my heart and fire a ceaseless volley of cold poison. As soon as I saw the length of it my jaw dropped, I read the contents and my chest ran to ice in a single beat.
We both knew what it was. She was recovering from her previous relationship when we started to get to know each other. I listened to her tell her story, as I saw her expose her deepest shames and tell me of her most personal failures, I was captured.
Here, sitting in front of me, cheeks stained with tears and colour flushed in her cheeks, the soul I saw in her was myself. I was gobsmacked. If you had said “Oi, Farm. This girl just stole your heart mate”… I would have agreed with you.
She was my dream girl incarnate, she had all the qualities I look for, but the timing was terrible. The worst timing imaginable, after “Loose lips” I didn’t think I would ever allow myself the chance to fall, let alone within a few short weeks of being destroyed. I wasn’t looking for this to happen, I was just making a new friend.
So after realising I was getting in too deep, too fast, I told her that I like her, that I had already stopped associating with girls I used sleep with and wasn’t going to sleep with anyone else. I told her I know she is in a weird place and I’m happy to take it slow and see where it goes, keep it casual and keep it simple. She agreed that was best and I was happy that she was willing to consider it.
A short time later I met her 2 little boys. Both beautiful, full of energy, as cheeky as their mother, and they too left an impression. I couldn’t tell you really, not with any accuracy but I’ll try.
When my ex and our kids moved out of town, I was destroyed. I couldn’t even look at dating another woman with children, not when things are so shattered with my own. Then almost one year later, I met someone who changed all that. I don’t know what I was about her but as soon as I saw her, spoke to her and saw who she is, I was lost.
God this post is all over the shop. One sunless and grey early morning, her youngest came and jumped into bed with us. They fell back asleep instantly, him in her arms, with her holding my hand and his back against My chest, it’s too much to bear and I feel my heart give out again at the beauty of who she is, at just how much I want her and realising just how distant my chances are, if I even have one. I knew the position she is in, and yet I let myself fall even further. I should have walked home like I was thinking, but I don’t want to do that to her, she didn’t deserve something like that.
And so the days pass as I help her around her house, get even more attached to her little family, and admire everything she is.
I don’t know exactly why things went downhill, maybe it was my support, understanding and willingness to do anything to help her breathe easier. It could have been my relatively brief attachment to her 2 kids and my want to do something with the three of them. Hell, its probably all her own shit and it really is bad timing. But either way, I was drawn, captured, quartered, charred, salted, and then I was thrown to the wind.
And so concludes the rough draft. If I feel like it, I’ll edit it to make sense but I think it works as is. I was a shaking mess writing this, and for her, I would take this pain again for a real chance. As hurt as I am right now, I know she didn’t want to hurt me, and I want her to know I know.
Posted from somewhere amongst the tangled interwebs….