Maybe if I was concerned with the same bullshit as the rest of them, maybe.
For me, this is my way of getting shit off my chest whilst remaining on the main, anonymous. I share to my Facebook for friends and family and for those curious or those who want to have a laugh, either at or with me, I’m not bothered.
This is my public domain, I have legitimate works that aren’t published or aren’t ready, works I’m hoping to turn into a collection of terrible and haunting tales for publishing. My dream, my ultimate goal, is to be a published author, to share my struggles, failures and victories with those who are interested, to various degrees. So if you come looking for a prima Donna, or tragic personal tale that ultimately leads to the writers untimely demise, you’re in the wrong fucking place.
Here you will find my deepest and darkest thoughts and experiences, my deepest loves and some general writing.
I will write about my heartbreak, my views on the world, my secrets, along with the secrets of those who betray me and whatever else I feel justified in writing. No one is safe, not even me. I’m not immune to my ammo, and if it helps to paint the picture that will bring you to your knees, cry at what you read and change how you see, so be it.
I want to talk about how easily I fall in love. I want you to know, there is nothing I value more in this world than love and companionship. In my eyes, to give myself completely and totally to another, to work as a team and build a bond so strong, nothing can shake its foundations, is something to be admired.
Not long ago, I met a girl. I wrote about her in Muse (both releases), and Beautiful Disaster
This is my tale and how I’m feeling after she ended it.
Let me be completely honest. This happened in a span of about 2 weeks, for me it was intense and I had never experienced anything like it.
Her name is Caitlin, and she is still the most beautiful soul I’ve met. Not only as a physical thing, but I mean in the spiritual sense of the word. As soon as she stepped out of her car I was stunned. Here was the girl I was talking to, already enjoying the conversation with her online, and starting to panic a little now that she was here.
She had long, blonde/brown hair, the big watery eyes of a doe and the smile of an angel. She stepped out of her pink trimmed beast in a singlet, zip up jumper and pink pyjama pants. I just laughed, I was in my dressing gown and PJs myself, already self conscious about myself and wondering if she will even like me, she puts me at ease with a squeezy hug and a warm smile that melted me. From there, she could have said anything and I would have swallowed it without thinking twice.
I lead her inside, holding the door open with one hand while holding her backpack in my other, I get a good look at her as she passes through the light and she looks as nervous as I feel, and I felt like jelly. So we put her bag down in the lounge room and introduce her to my housemates, after the meet and greet we go outside for a smoke and to get acquainted.
I won’t divulge too much about her struggle and her demons because it’s not my place to say, I respect her too much to tell and I still holdout to the hope she might give us a real chance. If she had been dishonest, then it would be a different story. As it stands, I don’t know if I fucked up, And I’m sure my friend ‘commando’ will send me a message after reading this, telling me what she thought of it, and offering kind words that will inspire me to keep going.
After we have a smoke and share some basic info, we head Into my room to settle in for the night. I’ll tell you now, this girl, fucking wow. She came prepared. I was just expecting her to bring basic shit with her, you know, overnight shit. But when she opens her pack up, she pulls out a couple of pencil cases, colouring books, and a few girlie items. So we get our shit ready for a colour marathon, chop up a session and blaze a couple of bowls.
After returning to my room and starting to talk she opens up a little. I can tell there is serious shit on her mind, and I don’t mind listening to the problems of a stranger, not when she has captured my attention as quickly as she has. She tells me she doesn’t want to bother me with her stuff, I let her know there’s nothing she could say that I wouldn’t be happy to hear and she takes me offer.
Recently out of a relationship, 2 kids and she’s completely lost. She doesn’t know what to do. She tells me of her past love with various substances, her previous relationships and her deepest shames. The things she tells me, I wouldn’t have expected to hear during my own confession. She’s in tears, telling her all and I was falling already. Seeing such raw and brutal honesty, I’ve never experienced something like that and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Here was essentially the female version of me. Open, wounded and looking for acceptance. I couldn’t think of anything else, just her.
A couple of hours later we venture back outside for another smoke and fresh air. When I look at her my heart beats faster and I’m sure I must be crazy, to meet someone as incredible and honest as this was rare, I’ve heard of love at first sight and laughed at it. Its not until I sit writing this epic that i realised it. I have started falling in love with a complete stranger. A perfect stranger. And I would do it all again, regardless of the pain, just to feel this acceptance again.
She takes a shaky drag of her cigarette, staining the paper where the filter meets her soft lips, inhales and let’s it out again, releasing a sigh and turning to look at me, she says she’s sorry, for how she fell apart. I tell her don’t worry about it, it’s my pleasure. I would gladly listen all night if she would have me. She gives a small smile and I feel my heart grow bigger again. Already I can feel myself wanting to tell her I like her haha, I am insane.
Once we stub out our butts and have a couple of cones, we head back inside and continue our journey of discovery.
After more timeless hours of discussion and colouring in, we slide into bed and continue our talk. She tells me she’s never met a guy who listens so intently and actively discusses what she is talking about, she tells me I’m different, I tell her I’m just a regular guy enjoying wonderful company, if I told her what I was thinking, “you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and I wish tonight would never end” she would probably run out the wall, fuck the door.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sexually attracted to her, she’s a beautiful woman, both inside and out but sex is the last thing I’m thinking about. I’m happy just to hold her, stroke her hair and look into her eyes. I tell her she’s truly beautiful and I think she’s amazing. I didn’t even realise I said It until she says the same. She tells me that some guys she’s been with change in character after sex, they get nasty and make her feel like shit. I know just how fucked we blokes can be when it comes to use and abuse, but for me, I still hadn’t thought about sex, not until she rolls into my chest, turns her head up and kisses me, when she let me know she was interested, that’s when it all changed. That first intimate touch did it. I wasn’t looking to fall for her in one night, but I did.
I dreaded the next day. I didn’t want her to leave, I wanted to keep her in my arms and slip into her heart like she did mine. How could I let such a wonder walk out of my door? I told her I want to do this again. And so we did. We spent 3 days together before our first night apart. And even then, we exchanged hundreds of messages and pics. We have so much in common and all I wanted was to spend every moment with her.
So let’s skip forward a couple more days to when I meet her beautiful second born. I have to say I’m blown away. She’s a wild spirit, a devoted mother, and if I thought I was in trouble before, now I’m fucked. Seeing her in her element, brought on a massive surge of adoration and respect. Not that I didn’t already, but now it’s concrete.
So we spend the night at her place, watching movies and talking about the old Cartoon Network shows and what’s happened to the programming of today. We fall asleep just after 1am. We wake up at 3.33am to find her little man at the door wanting to jump in with us, so we spread apart and he jumps in the middle.
This is where it gets hard for me, seeing her and her boy asleep together reminds me of my babies, how far away they are, and just how much I miss what Caitlin has. It hit me hard, I had to go outside and let it out. It is an immense pain and I can barely stand it. After I calm down and get my shit together, I head back to bed, still feeling down when I put my head to the pillow, she reaches out with a hand and runs it down my arm, I fell asleep not long after with a smile on my face.
The next day she drops me off at home, we both have shit to do and I need to clear my head and think about what I’m letting myself get into. I thought long and hard about calling it off before it goes south, but I couldn’t. I had already fallen for Caitlin, and her boy was already making himself comfortable in my heart too. So I tell her what I’m feeling, she tells me we need to slow down and I agree, the last thing I want is to chase off this dream.
So comes the time I meet her first born, I come as he is getting dropped off by his dad and as kids do, he’s a little upset that dad has to go, and again, I think of my kids. I give her a kiss through my teary eyes and tell her I can’t stay, I’m sorry but I can’t. It just hurts.
The next day we hang out again at her at her place and i give her a hand with the washing and stuff, do the dishes while she baths the kids and whatever else I think might make the routine easier for her. Its been a week or so at this stage.
And now we get to the bit where it goes downhill. I tell her I want to do something with her and the boys, like the fun centre and a hotdog or something. I was thinking, maybe make a day of it coz I like her and I want to show her how serious I am. I’m ready to claim everything about her as my own and fight with her against the world.
She heads home on sunday morning, So I go for a nap Sunday arvo, and wake up to a message from her saying she needs to distance herself from me. That she feels I’m getting in too deep, but I thought she was too. The way she runs her fingers over my leg when she walks past, when she is walking inside and waits for me to look at her so she can smile at me or when we exchange messages saying we ‘lust’ each other. These little things gave me the impression she liked me, and maybe she did. But as I said at by he beginning, She’s going through a rough time and I can understand.
Having such intense affection can be a put off. So Caitlin, if you read this, I’m sorry for writing this, but I can’t tell you, i want to. If I hurt or upset you while we were doing whatever that beautiful experience was, I’m sorry. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it and I won’t forget the impact you made on me. I have fallen for you and I know its not completely one sided, but I understand your reluctance to explore what we had. If you feel like I’m not too crazy for you, you have my number, you know where I live and I’ll wait for you. Not too long, but just long enough to keep hurting myself.
Just so everyone understands, she didn’t lead me on, unlike the star in “loose lips”. She didn’t lie or deceive me. She simply didn’t feel the way I did, her situation is complex and that’s no ones fault. So to my real life friends, cut her some slack. She’s amazing, but sadly it didn’t go the way I had hoped. Doesn’t stop her being a goddess.
I’m gonna have to cut it Short. I’m exhausted but I’ll continue soon.
Posted from somewhere amongst the tangled interwebs….