Currently feeling.

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I don’t have a word to best say how I feel, but i think it could be described as emptiness. I don’t feel sad, angry, happy, or particularly enthusiastic on any level, I don’t feel the need to cry or laugh, but I want to do both. I feel a fluctuation between hot and cold in the chest. I feel shame and embarrassment, rejected and neglected. I won’t go any into the cause too much, but I will say, even hearing her name, even if it isn’t her name in the conversation, it still makes my blood run hot and a cold fear, press against my chest.

To be so wrapped up in someone only to be pushed away for someone else, someone you introduced her to, hurts. Caitlin, you hurt me and I’m ok with that, eventually I’ll find someone who appreciates what I have to give and I’ll make her as happy as you made me, regardless of how brief it was.

To believe whole hearted, that something is perfect, when the harsh reality is, the only thing perfected here, is my ignorance. And that’s my problem. I think I’m an emotionally scarred, and to a degree, an emotional crippled person who feels the need to be loved and accepted, while never being able to open up wholely in return. My scars are extensive, my trauma is great and my love is perpetual.

To find a love that makes my hair stand on end, that’s my deepest dream, what I believe would bring me back to myself. Go on, Laugh at it, have a chuckle and call me a fag, Fuck you, at least I can be honest. What have you ever done? So ladies, please remember, we love and feel just as intensely as you, its harder for us to express. It goes against the image projected by our culture, but fuck it. We do love, we cry, we feel shame and we just want to be accepted. Its all we have ever wanted, nothing less than equality in romance…

Posted from somewhere amongst the tangled interwebs….

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