An Olé Skool Friend.

Good evening you dastardly bastards. First off, allow me to welcomed you to a post dedicated to my friend from high school, Kate. Witty and  pretty, and 5″5′ of kick-ass bad-assery. I shall be keeping this post short and sweet, just like Kate 🙂 Pun 😉 Yes, I am clever. Thanks for noticing. Enough about me, let’s talk about Kate.

Kate is her name. She’s funny. She’s harsh and most importantly, she’s great company. I’ve known her for the better part of 13 years, well not actually known, but known of her. That is up until last year, when we met again through a mutual friend, exchanged some colourful words and phone numbers.

She has an adorable little miss, who’s not too much older then my eldest, and is just as cheeky and maniacal. I’ll give you a brief intro to her because she’s hilarious.

Kate and I were standing at the bench having a good ol’ chin wag, when her little miss clambers onto the chair opposite where we are talking, traverses the bench, gets a foot away from me, leans forward with a monkey’s grin and says, “Do you want to see mum’s boobs?” What the fuck? I think to myself. Must have heard her wrong… “What did she just say Kate?”

Kate looks mildly appalled. Perhaps a little disdained as well. ‘She asked if you want to see my boobs…’ My mind was blown. I lost my shit. I threw my head back and roared with delight. This kid is gold. Jesus ‘On A Fucking Stick’ Christ. After I restore a little composure and get my runaway chuckles back I ask, “Why? Oh mercy, that’s insane”.

And there’s another story here. One that shines a little brighter on the actual focus of this ‘Short and Sweet’ (Although it’s already a lengthy feature presentation, brought to you by Farm) post. As it is, it’s getting there. But anyway. The story to the boob story, story.

Kate’s girl is currently on antibiotics for an ingrown toenail. Those antibiotics are in a liquid state. That liquid state requires one of those needle-less syringes for oral delivery. Unfortunately for Kate her nemesis, ‘The Mighty Syringe’ had a trick up its metaphorical sleeve. And that trick is ‘Manual Assembly’. I’m not sure why it was in two sections, I think it’s just came off of the dish rack and had to be reassembled.

Now, its my theory. And my theories are rarely wrong due to the magnitude of my brilliance, but when I do make a mistake, they are considerably larger. But anyway. After she washed it, it’s my theory that the Syringe parts had warped as en effect of the hot water, and now they were no longer compatible, at least not without a struggle. And that’s what was approaching. And by struggle, I mean a humorous anecdote for me to share, with you. Dastardly bastards.

She tells me after she tried to slide it in, with a piece in each hand and failing, she leans against the bench and puts some force into it. She’s pushing hard, pressing with all her might against the base in her palm and the pointed tip facing towards her. Suddenly, but somehow not altogether unforseen, the Syringe assembles and slides in, Kate’s follow through force smashes the tip of the ‘doo dad’ into her chest. More specifically, her breast. Luckily it didn’t hit her eye or something.

She lowers the front of her shirt a little and pulls it a little to the side, and there it is. Looks like she’s been shot by a bean bag gun. It’s violently purple and looks like a busted vessel. It looks angry. You’ll probably assume I’ve paraphrased and/or extended and/or sensationalised some of it. And that would be incorrect. Cockhead.

So after Kate tells me the boob story, the reason her daughter asked me if I want to see them in the first place, her kid is bouncing on the mattress set up under the air con, doing spins and stuff as kids do on a bouncy surface. As I still do. So while Kate and I resume our discussion of whatever we were dribbling shit about, (I’ve got my back to the lounge room at this point), she gets another look that could only mean, her kid is doing something else mind blowing. And sure enough, I turn around. And my eyes nearly pop from a combination of shock, disbelief and raucious laughter. She’s mooning us. Seriously, she’s lifted her dress and is bouncing around, white bum first.

Jesus ‘The world’s Greatest Fucking Con Artist’ Christ. Absolute madness. Kids are insane. I’ll add a link in for my post about the insanity of children, for you to read at your leisure.

But it’s not all fun and games in Kate’s world. At this time, some of the people she’s related to, are trying to take her rights as a mother. And you’ll have to take my word for it, but they’re fucking insane. I’ve been hanging with Kate on the regular for a bit, I know her history and she does mine, and she’s a wonderful and devoted mother with her daughter best interests at heart. And her daughter adores her. I knocked on the front door, her girl answered and went to get Kate to unlock the flyscreen and i hear hear, —knock Knock. “Mum, you have to get the door.” ‘OK, I’m just getting dressed honey. I’ll be out in a minute.’ “OK mum. hey mum? I love you. So much” It was one of the sweetest things I’ve overheard. Anyone who sees how they treat each other, would know it’s a safe and positive environment. Full of love.

So she’s going through court, she’s fighting against her own family, who don’t seem to realise just how happy and healthy that kid is, and how much her mother loves her. It’s lunacy. I’m not saying I know the whole story, but I know enough. And I know people who don’t actually deserve their kids. People who should be sterilized or at least, past a fucking test of some sort, before passing on their defective genes and degenerate ways.

Regardless of her trials and tribulations, Kate still comes across as a strong woman. I’m no fool. I know it’s destroying her. I know she resents being put in this position by those closest to her and I know, I have fucking witnessed the woman in action. She works hard, she loves her daughter, she keeps a happy home and she has my respect. A lesser being would have broken by now.
The heartache would be crippling and I can relate to her, I’m going through something similar, but not as drastic. She’s still bubbly. She can still laugh, and she’ll keep fighting. I believe she will come out on top. She has my full support.

Well that concludes my post about one of the very few people who influence my writing and that I enjoy the company of. She reads my blogs too. I’m looking forward to seeing her reaction. And that’s the short and sweet version. Seriously. I barely even skimmed the surface. Happy blogging all 🙂

Posted from amongst the tangled interwebs…

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