This is my email to Dominos Pizza when they sent me a promo for AFL Footy Season. Like I give a shit. Here is my response.
Dearest Dominos pizza. Due to an irregularity I experienced during childhood called “self expression”, I realised early that”football” is possibly the best way to reassure those kids who aren’t too bright, that a professional sports career is a viable option. As much as I dislike the sport, I wish to advise you, AFL is terrible.
It’s nothing more than grown men touching each others butts and giving squeezie hugs before retreating to the shower to potentially wash each other down, and give an erotic massage as compliments to a “game well played”.
Please accept my sincerest apologies in regards to any confusion interpreted from a statement that led to the impression I have “obvious” passion of a game played by those who are generally brainless, and have nothing more to show for themselves other than how well they can hug another man in front of thousands of witnesses.
When I was a kid there was another kid we used to feed garden snails while telling him “they’re chocked full of protein and the bubbles they secrete have magical properties”. Little Billy ate countless snails before he realised he wasn’t getting any noticeable skills from eating copious amounts of shelled slug, and as such he told his mum and she stopped bringing him to school.
A few years ago some friends and I went to the local Oval to throw snails and eggs at the players, and who did we see? Little Billy Snail Slayer, chasing the umpire and calling him dad. He could have qualified for a personal trainer with his intellect, but it’s safe to say he’s still chasing grown men in little shorts, and calling strangers “Dad”.
But as it is, I’m sure you were unaware of my disdain for chasing men in little shorts while prancing after a little red ball. Might as well let them put on the little red dress their coach wears for them before the game and play, could possibly make the game a little less homoerotic. I’m sure the art of chasing knee-high socks in studded shoes is a proud pastime for many of my peers, and that alone speaks for itself.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any enquiries or feedback. Yours sincerely, L J. Farm. Ps. I love the BBQ bacon cheeseburger. I need free ones