Best thing since Sliced Bread? Not likely.

Toilet paper. Probably one of the best things since before sliced bread became widely popular in 1928. I was originally going to write about “The best thing since sliced bread”, and then list a dozen things that are clearly better than pre-packed and wrapped sliced bread, like the device you’re reading this on, or the penicillin that saved you from a bacterial infection during childhood. So let’s not compare apples to oranges, but toss those those fruit in the bin and focus on the sweet meat society has chewed for the last 1400 years. Toilet Paper.

“The use of paper for hygiene purposes has been recorded in China in the 6th century AD, with specifically manufactured toilet paper being mass-produced in the 14th century. Modern commercial toilet paper originated in the 19th century, with a patent for roll-based dispensers being made in 1883” (Wikipedia). Now this to me sounds like man not only wiped with a leaf for some period (probably resulting in a variety of rashes on a small array of areas on the body), but has been conscious of the pungent aroma wafting from betwixt ones cheeks’ after defecating in the wild green yonder.

I’ve tried thinking about what could compare to the safety we feel when we have a layer of 12 ply between ourselves, and the business that has come to an end, pardon the pun. I thought mobile phones would make it to this list, but have you tried wiping your ass with a glass screen? Neither have I, but I don’t imagine the process would be as neat and quick than with our paper alternative. But there will probably be less shit on your phone compared to the bullshit social media has to offer, and as an added bonus, it’s your shit. So you can handle it.

As I mentioned before, ‘The best this since sliced bread’ is a somewhat redundant and uneducated, thoughtless saying. Let’s compare TP to SB. SB isn’t designed for wiping ones anus or lady parts. Yeast infection to say the least, ripping the bread apart as you vigorously rub the rectum is probably the most I can say. Overall Sliced Bread isn’t really all that good, yeah it’s convenient, but you’re swapping the pleasure of potentially slicing your finger off in exchange for a machine to do it for you. “Before you know it, that bread slicers’ going to be buttering your bread and fucking your wife” (South Park Farmer)

A phone is probably a better asset in a paperless stall than bread, because with the phone you humbly request someone come deliver some to your feet. A good friend would charge you for the service, but the shame of being stuck in public without even a slice of bread to mush against the buttocks is worth any price your friend may demand. But I generally tend to avoid public rest rooms due to my fear of crabs on the seat, piss on the floor and seeing by number scrawled on the wall for requesting a TP drop.

Toilet paper is the steeple that holds society within a sanitary and hygienic status. When ever someone says ‘Best things since Blah blah blah’, I generally state “If I can’t wipe with it, it’s overrated.”

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