Back into the game.

Ladies and gentlemen. I have returned. Let my introduce you to my life as of late. Recently I surrendered myself at the local police station to satisfy a warrent out for my arrest due to 3.6k of unpaid fines. I had been preparing myself mentally for this for months, and as such, I was nervous as all hell. I went to the police station, signed myself over to the State, and was transferred to the local Corrections institute. Once there i was stip searched, given prison greens to wear, and taken into maximum security to await a security evaluation to move to another part of the prison.

When I initially called the police to enquire about the process for surrendering, I was told I would be serving my 4 days at the local station, needless to say, I didn’t. I went to prison 10 years ago for a string of crimes I commited in my late teens, early 20s and I have to say, it was easier the first time. The first time I didnt have a fiance, kids, respect or a future. This time, I did.

I have extreme social and psychological impairments at the best of times, and right then they were peaking. Sweating, itchy, I developed an insane rash that needed constant scratching and I ate 2 meals in the 4 days due to extreme stress and anxiety. I wrote incesssntly to my better half to keep myself sane and distracted while in Max, and I’ll include it in this post.

“My dearest Jodi. Far out, in prison again. I never thought I’d be back jere again, willingly or otherwise. But circumstances dictate what must be done, and I’m happy to do it because it means i can drive and work without fear of repercussions. I miss you already, bub and Abel too (no sad (it’s what our 3 year old says when he’s happy)) lol. Ah well, only 3 days to go and ill be back home to you and the kids. I cant wait to kiss and hold you all again.

I don’t really know anyone here except for a guy called Troy, and my cellmate is nice enough, he gave me a couple of cigarettes to ease the stress and make me feel welcome. I want to come home already, I miss you so much.

Im in maximum security for now, but the orientarion officer said i could be in minimum security by tuesday or wednesday, seems a bit pointless but that’s the way it’s done. Ill probably be put into the market garden to work. 10 acres of land to toil on, heaps bigger than the last time I was here. I spent a few hours at the local station waiting for staff to arrive and take me to regional. The guys seem alright, supportive and welcoming.

There’s no clock, so keeping track of time is a nightmare. Every hour in here is an eternity and I’m starting to break out in a rash, getting sweaty and shaking. They took my smokes off me because they were already open, amd they no longer do the “gate pack”, something about minimising harmful behaviour, which is retarded, instead I got a nicotine patch.

I just got back from the nurses office. She took my blood pressure, blood sugar, asked me about my past history and assessed me for security risks. My anxiety is kicking in again. I can feel it building in my chest, threatening to spill through a tight throat into a piercing scream of anguish and despair. And they only gave me 1/4 of a pencil to write with.

I should be talking to Ash and Llian today, I miss Ashies stories and Llian’s cute voice. I miss Abel incessantly calling out for me and letting me know he’s Abel, and he is here lol. So damn cute. Anxiety, panic and depression are setting in again. Fuck. I might just spend the next 4 days writing, that way I can maintain focus and keep distracted. Im sharpening my pencil with a staple from the prison booklet they gave me. My pencil is looking haggard. Almost enough to call abused. Anyway, its dinnertime now, then lights out. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I can see you again. I predict I’ll be dreaming of you and the baby growing in your belly.

It’s lights out and im writing with the tiny light on above my bed. Day 1 was ok I guess, i spent most of it confined to my cell to avoid people and uncomfortable conversations with drop kick dumb fucks with no ambition in life. Im signing off now baby, I’ll keep writing in the morning. I love you xx.

It’s morning again. Worst sleep of my life. Doors banging, keys jangling and broken sleep with weird ass dreams. I can’t eat. I’ve tried, it makes me feel worse.

On a positive note, when I wake up tomorrow, I can say to myself it’s my last day, so that’s something. I dont know how i did this for almost a year last time. It’s probably because i didnt have anyone waiting for me, I had no direction or purpose.

The best way to pass time is to write or watch TV (boring as fuck). Id rather be eating you, but i can do that on Thursday, unlike the rest of these guys who wont taste pussy for a longtime yet, if ever again. I’m in with old mate Ant Q, he’s the bully I had during highscool and for years after. Accused me of breaking into his house or someshit and has held a grudge for something I never did ever since. Serves the cunt right, fucking 14 year old girls. Incidentally i was friends with the guys who did, but I didnt. So guitly by association and all that. I hope he trips on his soap and lands on a hard cock. He’s a fuckhead.

Anyway it’s time to sign off again and head to bed. I love you baby xx”

That’s all I wrote because I was moved to Pre Release units, lower security than minimum and all my angst faded away when I moved into an actual house on site, complete with a cupboard stocked with good food and fucking hilarious guys. I managed to eat a couple of meals in my last 48 hours and didnt feel the need to write anymore. I read instead.

I lost 5kg in the 4 days from stress and shit. So after I was released, Jodi picked me up, we got Hungry Jack’s for brekky, smoked a few billies and fucked all day. The next day we went into town, I got my learners permit, I sit for my P’s in a few months and as such, I regained a lot of self worth and self respect by doing the hardest thing I had ever done. So now, im doing an appointed activity by my Job search agency and restoring the old scout hall and bringing the interior up to modern standards.

So let me reiterate what I’ve done. I avoided paying my fines, got issued an arrest warrent and finally “manned the fuck up” so i can support my family better. I feel pretty good. We quit smoking weed, cigarettes and we don’t drink. We are trying to overhaul our lifestyle so our children will have it better than we did. It’s called life and sometimes we need to roll with the punches. I can honestly say, I’ve outgrown most of the people i used to know and I’m better for it. Ant, if you ever read this which i doubt you would, probably because you’re an illiterate dumb cunt, i forgive you for being an asshole. Your life is about to get a whole lot worse, and im laighing ebery single day. Rot in hell, you piece of shit, maggot eating, child fucking fuckwit.

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